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Fostering Podcast: Meet single foster parent Sarah

Originally recorded Q1: 2023 with Central FM – The Forth Valley’s Local Radio Station.

Introduction to Sarah

Liam

Hi, it’s Liam from the Central FM Breakfast Show as we continue our series on Focus on Fostering with Aberlour Fostering, and really pleased for our latest guest to be with us here today. As we look at something a wee bit different in terms of fostering, you might have some preconceptions, maybe even misconceptions, about a typical foster family and what that looks like.

Really pleased to have Sarah with us today for episode two. Tell us a wee bit more about your set-up, Sarah. Thank you for joining us today.

 

Sarah

Hi. Thank you so much for having me. I’m delighted to be here.

 

Liam

Before we actually hear a bit more about you’re fostering journey as such. Tell us a bit about yourself, maybe your family background. Things that you did before you became a foster carer.

 

Sarah

So I originally grew up in Edinburgh, and I have four brothers, and I went on to initially train as a dietician, but prior to that, I always knew that I loved kids. I used to do lots of babysitting, I did a few jobs where I worked as a nursery school assistant before I started uni, and then I did my training as a dietitian.

And while I did that, I got also a little bit into the publishing side of things. And cut a long story short, I did go on to do publishing, and I worked for a children’s publisher. I’ve done quite a range of different things, and falling from that when I met my then-husband, we had started to try to have a family, and that didn’t happen for us.

But what came out of that was just a real door opening when we at that time considered the possibility of adoption. And so that’s what I suppose you could say started me really on the journey of eventually what became fostering for me.

 

Liam

And how long ago did you begin fostering?

 

Sarah

So I got placed, and this is my first placement, last April, just about coming up for the year.

 

Sarah’s journey to becoming a foster carer

Liam

Now, tell us about the experience that you’ve had and that process. I know there’s lots to get through. If you listen to a lot of the episodes in the podcast, you’re going to go into a lot of detail with those processes. But how did you find that process of becoming a foster carer with Aberlour?

 

Sarah

Erm, well, I have to say I found it all very positive and very, in some ways, very straightforward. It’s very involved because you have to also consider the nature of what you’re doing. They do obviously have to do very thorough checks, but I think the important thing to always keep in mind is the reason why they do need to do that.

Obviously, that’s very important, and I always just kept my eye on the end goal. And that was to always keep in mind I’m doing this for a very good reason, and it’s something that I really want to do. Yes, you can have definite moments where it can feel quite tough when sometimes you feel you’re going through the wringer. Because it’s a bit like turning a stone up and everything underneath looked at with a great big magnifying glass.

I think the important thing to remember is it’s not anyone that really wants to overly focus on you as a person as such. It’s just people just really do need to get a true flavour of who you are. And also, through you going through the process, you are proving to not only yourself but to everyone else. You are completely committed to do whatever it takes to become a foster carer.

 

Liam

You know, I think it’s really interesting to speak to you, Sarah, because you are a single foster parent, and do you think that process for you would have been any more tough because of that? Or do you think that was broadly similar to what a family of mum and dad were going through? Or do you find those checks were maybe a little bit more thorough for you as a single parent potentially?

 

Sarah

I can only compare it for my journey, obviously, because I haven’t done it from the onset with a partner, but I don’t feel, for me, it’s felt like it would have been any different than it would have been for a couple. If you’re doing it as a couple, obviously, each partner needs to go through the same assessment.

But yes, I still found it for me, it felt to me like I was just being treated the same as I would anyone else that chose to do such a thing.

 

Liam

Did you learn quite a lot through the experience of becoming a foster carer?

 

Sarah

Yes, I think life as we know it, you’re always learning things about yourself, and it’s always good to really dig deep and self-reflect. I think partly because of the nature of my previous jobs when I’ve worked as a dietitian, that’s been in the NHS, and I’ve worked in a whole varied range of different situations within that, that in a way, it got me quite comfortable with looking at times quite “private” in individual circumstances.

I think it’s a case of if you need to do that with other people, you also need to just be comfortable doing that with yourself. I suppose I’ve come from it with that viewpoint. So that, for me, is maybe made it perhaps slightly easier.

 

Liam

I think one of the key things as well, when we’re exploring the fostering with Aberlour, is just the fantastic support that they’ve got. I think, particularly for you as a single foster parent, it must be a real peace of mind for you to know that there’s such a wealth of support available for you if you need an extra little bit of help when things maybe get a wee bit challenging at home.

 

Sarah

Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, I think there’s been two sides that I found to this. One side talking about support, when I have let people know that I was wanting to go down this route, I’ve had nothing but amazing positive support from my own personal side of, whether it’s been, family or friends. Then, of course, with Aberlour too, they have just been amazing.

And I found them the moment I contacted them, actually, I had someone get back to me immediately. I had a really extensive chat with someone from Aberlour at the time, and they just left it with me. They gave me the information but enabled me to go away and have a good think about it and be able to come back to them and take things from there.

So I’ve had nothing but a positive experience from Aberlour from the moment I first contacted them.

 

Preparing to welcome a child into your home

Liam

You first contacted them, and you went through the process and everything. We’ve spoken before on previous episodes about maybe six to nine months is about the average it takes to actually complete that process and get it sorted out. But you’ve had your own little personal journey at home to get your house ready for your foster daughter coming to join you.

 

Sarah

I did, yes. It wasn’t originally the plan, I’ve got to say, but I think partly the reason with COVID kicking in, and I just had that bit more time to reflect on it. I just thought, I’d got a lovely rescue greyhound, and I thought my previous place I lived in just didn’t feel like it was a very practical set-up anymore.

As much as I loved it, and I just thought, “Well, I’m in this for the long haul. I’m fully committed to it.” So, I thought, “Why not? Let’s just make my situation work for the place I’m at now.” Moving house is never a pain-free or easy thing to do. But I’m so glad I’ve done it because it’s just amazing to now live in a place that does absolutely suit for what I’m doing. I love it, and I know my wee girl that’s with me now and dog, each of them have got their own beds now. So there everyone’s a happy customer.

 

Liam

As a dog lover myself with my wee frenchie at home, I can’t imagine being without her now. We got her just before the pandemic, and she’s just a totally huge part of the family now for us all. How did that work, and to greeting your daughter to life with a dog? Because that might be a scary thing for some people to think about.

“Oh, they’re going to get on with my dog ok?” and I take it that’s something that had to be checked out?

 

Sarah

Absolutely. That’s a really, really good point. The one key top tip I would give for any prospective foster carers with pets or thinking about getting a pet before fostering. I would highly recommend, if they’re going to do that, to get the dog first and really allow a bit of time to let their dog get bedded in, and then bedded in with the dog as it were. The last thing you want is when you then get placed with the little one. Everything really does need to become about that one. You just don’t want to have to then contend with a dog that just needs a little bit of time and care also to get settled in, first of all. I would say that because I initially had this almost romantic vision that I would go to collect said dog with my newly placed lovely little foster one.

But now, looking back, and I talked it through with various people at the time, and yes, it was more people who had already got dogs. They had recommended that, and they were absolutely right. I would also say in terms of little ones and dogs, actually for them, I think it’s an amazing thing. Or pets, generally, it can be.

All I would say is you just need to be a little bit careful about who that little one might be coming through the door because some of them might not be good with pets. You just need to know that that’s going to be on an individual basis. It so happened that the lovely girl that I’ve been placed with, she absolutely loves dogs, but she’s maybe a little bit on the other end of that spectrum because I need to, or have needed to be a bit careful at times for her, just to allow the dog it’s space and not get too overly friendly. That’s also with other dogs too. I think the bottom line is it’s on an individual basis, but if you’re going to get a dog prior to fostering, get them bedded in first.

 

Liam

Yeah. Give yourself that break and that time. That, in fact, was advice given to us as well. We had a dog a couple of years before the wee one came along, who’s now 16 months and pulling her ears on the regular. Thankfully the dog loves her, and everything’s ok. But yes, good advice.

Any other preparations that you had to make? I mean, the moving house was quite a big preparation, to be honest. Is there anything else you had to get? Maybe any other changes in your life you had to make before your wee one came to join you?

 

Sarah

The place that I ended up then moving into and buying it definitely needed work done upstairs, and that’s where all the bedrooms are. I ended up pretty much having to get that all gutted out before my little one, or I was ready to actually be placed with a little one. Obviously, that, I would say, are pretty exceptional circumstances. Most people already have their homes, and everything’s up and running. If that were the case for you, then you would just be looking to make sure you’ve got that room, that would be a good room for a foster child to be in and according to their age. So if they’re a little bit older, you’d maybe be looking for items, whether it’s books or toys, that are appropriate for that age or not.

You would also be advised by your social worker about that because we talk about age of a child, but with a child who’s come from a place of trauma, their actual chronological age and developmental age could be different, and that could be for different aspects within their life. So that’s also partly about getting to know the child.

In a way, for me, I actually started off, even though I had the room all perfectly in my head kitted out for this little one coming, and I did in terms of all the interior and having it all nicely kind of decorated. I didn’t actually have an awful lot of stuff in terms of things like toys and lots of books. And that was probably no bad thing because anyone coming to you, they’re going to have their own things that they will bring with them. That are their belongings, and they need a place and a space to be able to put those. So I think it’s important that they have the means to inhabit the space for themselves. And over time, as you get to know them and they get to know you, you can start then figuring out, “Oh, I know they like this, we don’t have that. Let’s get some of that”, and then build as you go along.

 

The importance of making good memories

Liam

Yeah, you touched on there what the journey may look like for some of these foster children. In many cases, there’s maybe trauma involved, there’s been issues as they’ve had to turn to foster care to hopefully try and make a better future for themselves. That’s where you and people at Aberlour come and to try and help. I know this is something you really, really enjoy doing. How important is it to try and replace that trauma that you speak of with some really good memories for these children instead? I know you’re very, very keen on making sure they’ve got really good memories going forward from the time with you.

 

Sarah

Yeah. So creating good memories. In a very simple way, anything positive that you do with a child that comes to you is only a good thing. Maybe people have this image of, “You need to take a child to Disneyland, Paris Disneyland”, or something really exotic or amazing. Actually, it’s you, first and foremost, giving that child such a simple message of, “I’m so happy you’re here.” I know this is not an easy moment because there’s so many changes for everybody. But when you find your time to get bedded in, you’ll find that that little one, when they see how much you’re there for them, that’s when your journey really starts.

That can just simply be about going down to the beach. It can be going exploring maybe the area that you live. You got to remember that little ones coming to you, and they’re not necessarily going to know where you live. And that in itself, imagine if that was you. That’s going to feel very scary. So you just go and have a wee walk, go and check it out together, maybe set some things aside that could be new things for all of you, then it’s on equal terms for you all. You’re all exploring some new things. The one thing that I’ve learned from Aberlour, I think, and it makes perfect sense when you first get placed with a little one, you don’t want to go overboard with this idea of all of a sudden “let’s just conquer the world in a day”. Give everybody time and space and you’ll find your natural kind of peace with that.

One other thing I would say with that is it’s also important to remember that you might have your vision of what might make a great memory or be a positive thing for that little one. But that actually might be something that could potentially induce anxiety for them if it’s something that they’re just not familiar with or used to. That’s something that I think in time, you can just gradually start to gauge that and just go with what feels right for you, for your situation.

 

Liam

Just on that, and in trying to find those little nuggets that they’re going to cling on to and really enjoy. The guys at Aberlour and your social worker, and people who support there will do as much work as they can to steer you in the right direction for each little one.

 

Sarah

Yeah. I think if you love kids, you will instinctively find that in time anyway. I think a good anchor for that to start off with is you’ll find that out before that little one comes to you. You might hear a few key things, like they like a particular place to go and enjoy a nice meal. Or they like to go to see a duck pond or something. Those are kind of some helpful things to know about. You can either think, “You know, let’s go and do that”, or “Let’s go and see the same thing but in our area”, that kind of thing. But in terms of creating memories, I think once things get a bit more settled, you just think of it every day.

You’re making memories because you’re making a new family life together, and that’s a pretty awesome thing.

 

Liam

You’ve got some little memory booklets on to go with this as well. Is that part of that experience for her as well? You can look back in later life and even remind yourself of all these amazing times she had with you particularly as well?

 

Sarah

Yeah, definitely so. Various people encourage and suggest different things. I’ve heard in the past this idea that you can keep a memory box, and it’s like effectively like a shoe box that you go out for a nice walk, and you collect pebbles or stones, or whatever, feathers, or you have some nice photos in it. I know my little one does have some of those. She’s kept a pair of her really, really old trainers, but they were from another previous foster family. They clearly really had strong significance for her.

What I have done, because I’ve only fairly recently been placed with my little one, is I’ve really been keeping quite a close eye, taking lots and lots of photos over this year of all the kind of fun and interesting things we’ve done and made wee notes. And bit by bit, I’m compiling like a little book for her, and I’ll do it. I’ll keep it for this year, particularly with lots and lots of pictures and things, because I feel like this is a particular moment to really be like, “Look at what we’ve done.” “This is just the start of our journey.” And I think realistically, as time goes on, I’ll probably not have quite as much capacity to keep doing that. I think my little one would need this room the size of a library to be able to hold such stuff. It will probably come a bit more simplified in times, but it’s just having some kind of a record. Just like you would if it was your own biological children. You’d want them to have like a family photo album they could always look at.

 

Future plans as a foster carer

Liam

Absolutely. But what does the short and long term look like for your wee one at the moment, if you don’t mind me asking? Have you got any plans? Do you take a week, a month, a year at a time? How does that work? Even in your head, are you planning your own life? How far ahead are you thinking about in terms of your relationship with your wee one at the moment?

 

Sarah

Oh, well, I see this for life. As far as I understand, my little one she’s going to be with me, all being well, till adulthood. For me, I would see it as a continuing journey from then on anyway. I think that’s also a particularly really important reason of why I felt I wanted to go with Aberlour because that’s what they particularly do specialise in.

Fostering is such an individual journey for everybody. You do obviously have the option of doing shorter-term placements for children. But I always knew for me that for anyone coming to me. I just wanted to know that I would be able to have them for the entirety, as it were. That’s just what I was looking for.

 

How does Aberlour support foster carers financially?

Liam

We touch on this in really great detail in episode one of our series on the Central FM website, but I’m keen to get your thoughts on it. As a single foster parent, how does the financial side of being a foster carer work for you? I know that Aberlour do support really well on that front, but how do you find it as a single parent?

 

Sarah

I got to say. I find it fantastic because that’s what it enables me to be able to do this. Every month you get two different payments, one’s a fostering fee, and so that’s for your input as a carer. And then you also get what I’d consider a very generous allowance, for maintenance of your little ones covering all sorts of things. Whether that be for the food, for any schooling-related things, clubs. Might go to clothes, food, holidays, all that kind of stuff. You will definitely find, over the course of time, a child brings with him or her lots of stuff you need to get for them.

 

Liam

Particularly as they get older. More friends, and they do other things as well.

 

Sarah

Yeah. What I have found about my journey so far is it’s been so liberating to know that I’ve been able to do this because I have the means to do it from a financial point of view. For example, unlike adoption in that sense, you wouldn’t have that means, and it’s not only that, you also do get the ongoing support and really very fantastic ongoing support with my little one. I’ve also forged a really, really great relationship with her social worker.

I think for me, and maybe particularly as a single carer, it feels really positive to have such an extensive support network. A good friend of mine, they did adopt a little boy, and as far as I understand, after the initial everything went through, they kind of have been pretty much left to it.

It’s just for me that’s been a really great positive.

 

Liam

On that note, would you describe this as “a job” or as it may be “the best job in the world”? Which one would you choose? [laughs]

 

Sarah

Ooh, that’s a hard one because I think it falls in both camps. I would never, ever say to my little one, refer to it as that because I am to her first and foremost to her mum. And that’s exactly how I feel about it. There are, however, aspects to it that are definitely a job, and they require time, input, careful thought and consideration.

Things like, as a carer, we need to submit a monthly report, kind of just summarising what’s been happening in that month. We need to be available to attend meetings and multi-disciplinary meetings. I’ve had quite a kind of strong involvement with the school that my little one goes to again for helping to get herself settled in. Any ongoing things that just needs a bit of support and input. So it’s never something that you switch off from, and it most definitely is a commitment. I think if so long as you’re focused, and you’re in it for the long haul, everything else finds its place within that.

 

Liam

It’s been great catching up today, Sarah. I just wanted to kind of wrap up by just asking you for one final piece of positivity and advice for a single person out there who, male or female and all walks of life, you know, it doesn’t have to be what you might perceive as the standard family and that you might have a home. You are a shining light example of that. Just one piece of maybe positivity and encouragement for someone who’s maybe swithering over becoming a single foster carer. What would you say to them?

 

Sarah

I would say just go for it. Absolutely. It’s the best thing I’ve probably ever done. Yes, it takes time and commitment. But the goal, the goal that you achieve at the end of it, as well as ongoing and the rewards you get from it, are just amazing. And I just can’t think of anything better that I could do.

It just it gives you everything, and it needs an awful lot of thought and reflection and consideration too. But if you really want to do that and you want to give someone a loving home and change their life actually forever, and not just for them, but for you too, I just can’t think of a better thing to do.